I recently was able to attend a Family Conference where Dr. Laura Markham of www.ahaparenting.com was speaking on the topic of How to Help Kids Want to Cooperate Without Yelling, Bribes, Threats or Punishments and How to Raise an Emotional Intelligent Child. Whoa! If you are like me anything I can add to my parenting toolbox that will help enlist cooperation among my family instead of mama pulling her hair out over every request I’m there. I was taking notes and I thought I would share them here. This is what I learned at the conference. I am also reading her book right now Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids but this post is just about what I learned at the conference.
She started by asking the crowd this question:
Yikes lots of responses:
- conflicting advice and opinions
- lack of sleep
- our own childhood stuff
- societal expectations
- we have to be the grown ups
- different personalities
- work responsibilities
- lack of patience
And we could go on and on. Then I asked myself this question : if parenting is so hard why do so many of us want to do it?
- It is the way the world works
- need them for when my husband and I are older to take care of us.
- love and support of siblings when older
- carry on family name (husband’s answer) hmm… very traditional
- create a close family unit of support, love and laughter
- I always imagined my life with children
What would you add to that list? Feel free to share with me in the comments section.
Some of us choose to be parents and some of us are chosen. Either way we strive to figure it all out. Especially now when many of us don’t live in close knit community or tribes. Where mothers and fathers often feel isolated in their parenting duties. We fall in love with people who were raised differently, and may have different parenting ideas than ours. Sometimes we are the only parent. Since becoming a parent almost 8 years ago now, I believe I will always be a parent-in-training.
What tools are in your parenting toolbox for getting your children to cooperate with you? Most of our tools come from what we grew up with using the toolbox of our parents.
So using what is already in our toolbox lets apply it to this scenario. It’s morning and we want our children to put their shoes and jacket on to leave. How do we get them to do that?
1st perhaps you try Bribes. If you put your shoes and jacket on really fast you can watch 5 minutes of your favourite show before we go.
Why Bribes don’t work according to Dr. Markham:
- compromise our standards
- it can keep escalating
- gives your child power
- digs a hole that you have to climb out of next time
Ok, so next you might try a Consequence. If you don’t put on shoes and jacket then you will not get a movie in the vehicle.
According to Dr. Markham if you have to think of a consequence then it really is a punishment.
What is wrong with threats and punishments?
- follow through with threats. Consistency is key. You lose power every time you issue a threat and don’t follow through.
- after a threat there is usually a punishment behind it.
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And the last one is Yelling. Why yelling doesn’t work?
- It trains the kids to yell at us and each other.
- It trains the kids not to listen until we have yelled.
Ok so more tools are needed in the toolbox. Dr. Markham was very clear that she was not talking about being permissive but setting high expectations and how we can help our kids achieve those high expectations and have children respect the limits we set as parents.
First we must ask ourselves what is the appropriate expectation when setting the limit? And then we must consider whether we can support them in meeting the expectation and what kind of support we can offer and whether we can give enough support.
How do you as a parent ‘enforce’ limits without punishment?
Here is how to give support to your child :
- Connect (Are you out of hugs?)
- Get in their face in a friendly way and insist on the limit and connect.
- Empathize
- Give wish with a fantasy
- Side Step Power Struggles
- Give Choices
- Win-Win Problem Solving
- Invite Cooperation with Playfulness
- Give Control (allows kids to gain mastery especially strong-willed kids)
- natural consequences
2 key things pop up for me as a parent because I would like parenting to be a bit more peaceful. One is in order to attempt any of the above you have to have to approach them from a calm state and usually if one is yelling, threating or punishing we ourselves are not in a calm state. Two, my initial thoughts were man I need more time to attempt any of the above and who is going to support me. And that led me back to the question Why is parenting so hard? Oh yeah, I have to be the grown-up.
Back to the scenario of putting shoes and jacket on. I have a four year old daughter and this was back around when she was 21/2 -3 years old and she would have no problem putting her shoes on but when it came time for her jacket well it became a huge deal every time. First I would schedule more time for leaving the house routine but it just resulted in a longer time of crying and frustration for both my daughter and myself. And as much as I didn’t want to be late I had to slow down and connect to find out what was really the matter with the jacket. I discovered that it wasn’t actually wearing the jacket she was opposed to, it was wearing it while buckled into the car seat in the van. So I decided that we would just put on her coat when we got to our destination. My van is parked in a garage so she didn’t need it in the van but after we get out. And so this win-win problem solving solution solved our leaving the house troubles or at least one of them.
This conference helped to remind me of all the other things I could attempt to gain cooperation of my children. And it also reminded me that I have tried and succeed in many of these alternatives to yelling, threats, consequences and punishments. I have parenting pitfalls everyday. I still yell, issue threats and implement consequences/punishments as I will always be a parent-in-training or a work in progress. I was also reminded that peaceful parenting is not possible if I’m not peaceful or coming from a place of peace. My own self-care is essential for parenting in a way that I want. That is a whole post on its own.
If you would like more information about Dr. Markham I would recommend visiting her website Ahaparenting or her Facebook Page for Ahaparenting.
Are you interested in peaceful parenting or mindful parenting? Are you interested in new tools for your toolbox? I love to connect with others who are parents-in-training as well. I can be found on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest.
Cheers,
Bonnie
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